Neurodiversity Ch 2

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Lois Prislovsky, Ph.D.

Emotional Regulation, SEL, & Performance Training

Chapter 2: Teen Angst and Cow Farts - By Lois Prislovsky

A family recently flew me across the country to help their teenage son. Like many adolescents he struggles with anger, anxiety, depression, prevarication, social skills and loneliness. Winston Churchill advises, “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” Of course, Winston was not dealing with troubled teens, just world war and a diaper-wearing vegetarian, but he is right – keep moving forward. That is precisely the action-oriented path this family and others are navigating to get through hard times with their teens. All parties can cooperate to understand more and move forward with positive change on each issue.

What works for Aretha Franklin also works for teens: R. E. S. P. E. C. T.

R = Reminders. Like modern day matadors thinking it is probably time to find other work, some things are obvious. When the tone of family communications needs to change, everybody knows it. Parents and teens can all agree they want to be treated with respect during discussions. Adolescents may want “fewer commands and more conversation.” Parents may desire less contempt and defensiveness. Each person can change the tone by doing his or her part. Every act of good will and cooperation will pave this new road out of an adversarial rut. One family found a private joke reminder to help them stay on track. Whenever somebody (one of the parents or the troubled adolescent) noted behaviors that were not congruous with their common goal of giving and receiving more respect, one would utter the phrase, “cow farts.” The more ludicrous or humorous the word, the better. Like a warning light on a car dash, the idea of the cue word or phrase is to get your attention and motivate you to do something different. The developmentally positive, common goal is to engage collaboratively not reactively. Psychology need not be devoid of humor to be of service.

E = Empowerment. Healthy adolescent development is a time of role transitions. The relationship dynamics that worked when these young people were children, no longer serves the goals of the parents or the adolescent. Time to change. Give the young person time to think about how he or she would help their own child with the same issues. Twenty-four hours is usually enough time to avoid the impulsive “I don’t know” shut down answers. Parents, be genuinely curious about what your teenager thinks. Such curiosity communicates safety and a deep level of caring on your part and promotes introspections rather than rumination on the part of your teen. Young people want to be respected for their mature problem solving abilities. It is a powerful and natural intrinsic reward. Give them the opportunity to be a big part of their solutions. Some ideas may be as helpful as silent letters, but others may be insightful. Validate practical suggestions with non-patronizing praise and implementation.

S = Sarcasm. Research shows anxiety is often the precursor to depression and an array of behavioral problems. With teens, sarcasm often helps the medicine go down, so in the sarcastic language of indigenous adolescents, here are a few tips for anxiety:

1. Starbucks. Nothing simulates the fight or flight response like a pounding heart. If you want to experience high anxiety and perhaps even full-blown panic attacks, go for the Grande. And if you are a huge anxiety connoisseur, order a Venti, red-eye. A Trenta, black eye (two shots of espresso in regular drip coffee) is theoretically possible, but survivors are likely an urban myth. Legend has it old-timey comedian Robin Williams, got the closest as he road out the tachycardia, irritability, and sweats only to become an excessively hairy cocaine addict five sleepless days later. (Warning: This stupid idea may also cause facial ticks, compulsive hair pulling, skin picking, irritable bowls, insomnia, and other way-fun “I told you so” symptoms preached by old people.) This particular tip may also be used to speed poverty onset. Enjoy that drink!

2. Cram. Want to vamp up test anxiety too? Stay up all night, cramming. Nothing depletes Dopamine faster than messing up your sleep cycle. With less Dopamine, your memory and attention will suffer, but that is nothing compared to the loss of motivation and drive you will feel at exam time. Lack of sleep has also been shown to desensitize Serotonin pathways, so your brain will scream to your mind, “You are not safe or well!” Test freak out much?

3. Play video games by yourself forever and ever and ever. Who knew the “relaxing” path of least resistance could actually increase anxiety – but it does in oh-so many ways. For one thing, gaming stimulation, especially one hour prior to bedtime, increases insomnia, which starts that dopamine dumping. Also, in-person social skills need to be practiced especially during adolescence so you can expect to lessen your ability to communicate and connect with others. Dating will suck more. Building relationships with everybody should become more awkward, which will lower your success in most endeavors. The crazy good news is that doing something so easy (hours and hours of solo gaming) will actually make your life much harder, which of course will increase anxiety.

P = Presents. Give non-monetary gifts to each other daily. Research shows caring for others increases resilience to stress. When we connect lovingly with others, our brain rewards us with Oxytocin (aka the “cuddle drug”) a powerful hormone which acts as neurotransmitter increasing feelings of optimism and self esteem. Studies are showing that naturally produced Oxytocin may be effective in reducing anxiety and depression. One of the best ways to score Oxytocin is to hug a drug dealer – oops, scratch that as the sarcasm part is over. HUG a loved one!

Many adolescents experience anger because they are in pain and do not know what to do about it. It is often safe to blame parents since peers and others would not tolerate the angry focus. Like candy cigarettes, this is a terrible idea for multiple reasons and better strategies must be learned and practiced. Giving can help change that pattern of negative thinking. Oxytocin has also been observed to increase generosity. Most teens love their parents but do not often let parents know they are important and appreciated. Daily gifting by teens and parents can bring the focus back to what is working. We all have something to give. Our gifts are of different currencies such as emotional, physical, mental, etc., but all are of value. The exquisiteness of giving your strengths is that it does not deplete but actually builds your strengths. Practicing considerate giving is vital for learning the social skills exchanges necessary to be successful in the adult economy. For example, upon returning from a vacation, without being asked, our towering teen went to the luggage carrousel, collected all our bags, carried all to the car and loaded it. My scrawny, tired self did not lift a finger. He was proud to do it. We were proud to accept. He said little, but communicated expertly.

E = Exercise. Clinical trials show regular exercise works just as well or better than medication for anxiety and depression reduction. The effects can be long lasting. One vigorous exercise session can help alleviate symptoms for hours. Consistency is important and may significantly reduce anxiety and depressive symptoms over time. Moderation is necessary. Becoming a Michael Phelps will not solve all your problems (for a variety of reasons –please see dopamine depletion and jail time). Consistent exercise for 30 minutes to an hour a day for healthy teens should be sufficient to jump start neurotransmitters to help the individual feel well and motivated to take positive action on life problems.

C = Compassion. One mom was so furious about what she perceived as her son’s “manipulative behaviors”(cutting) that her tone was blocking the start of the new style of communication that all agreed they wanted. But, this wise mom was part of a seasoned couple who strengthen each other, so she knew the power of flexibility. She then chose the emotion of compassion at the first family meeting. As a result, anger did not permeate the discussion and the goal to establish one or two points of agreement using open and respectful dialogue to establish a pattern of collaboration was accomplished.

One can get practiced at choosing emotions especially when the options are mutually exclusive. For example, one can’t be anxious and relaxed at the same. An honest reflection about your own teenage years may help sustain a compassionate state.

Compassion is welcome currency everywhere, which sure beats bitcoin. Like Warren Buffet said, bitcoin can be an effective way to transfer money, but so is a check. Compassion checks are easier to write than you may think. Plus the feds don’t chase down teens who take it.

T = Thank you. Say it authentically and often. This healing phrase
is in a teen’s control and empowers the giver and receiver. Neale Donald Walsch said it perfectly: “The struggle ends when gratitude begins.” Thank you for your patience with your teenager’s learning process.

Like not blaming others, some things take time to learn but then you know it for good. Which came first – the chicken or the egg? Chicken is the correct answer. True story. Wanna hear another? Grateful people are happy.